I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
