Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
