the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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