hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
