I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
