I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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