last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize