I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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