You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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