Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
only you would photoshop your dick
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
