what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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