it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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