hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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