I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
