i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
