No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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