Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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