textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
