I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
