I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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