He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
