I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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