why didn't you poke me back
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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