I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
