Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
