The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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