I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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