Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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