I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
