I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
