Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
