last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.