booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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