it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
