dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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