I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
