I must be too annoying 4 u.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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