I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
