no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
