Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I will pee on everything he values.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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