just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
