I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
