You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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