I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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