i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
