I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
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Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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