Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
