Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
