Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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