Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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