Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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