In America we eat man semen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
