I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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