i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
