Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
